8 Most Hypocritical Christian Athletes

From the good people at Holy Taco.

Athletes are always thanking God for something, but sometimes those same athletes are the ones that piss God off the most. Here’s a list of the 8 most hypocritically religious sports stars.

8. RYAN CHURCH

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: After kicking back with Jon Moeller, the Washington Nationals team chaplain, Ryan Church came to the conclusion that all Jews were going to hell for not accepting Jesus, his starting pitcher in the sky. “I said, like, Jewish people, they don’t believe in Jesus. Does that mean they’re doomed?” Jon nodded, like, that’s what it meant. “I was like, man, if they only knew. Other religions don’t know any better. It’s up to us to spread the word.”

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: I’m not sure if Ryan knows this or not, but Jesus was actually Jewish. If all the Jews were going to hell, I’m pretty sure we’d see fewer “My Boss Is A Jewish Carpenter” bumper stickers, and more “My Boss Is A Doomed To Hell Carpenter” on cars across the Midwest.

7. CHARLIE WARD

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: When he wasn’t leading Bible study groups on the road with the Knicks, Charlie wore a WWJD bracelet at all times, claimed that God was the reason behind a 20-point comeback against the Heat (apparently God’s a Knicks fan), claimed female reporters in the locker room was “unsacred,” and gave ex-coach Jeff Van Gundy religious “notes” after losses.
WHY JESUS HATES HIM: While with the Knicks, Charlie preached to players about their non-Christian hip hop music, yelled at Patrick Ewing for swearing too much and called out married players for being seen with other women on the road. God does not like a player hater.

6. CARL EVERETT

HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIS JESUS: So much so that he says that dinosaur bones are man made fakes and dinosaurs never existed because they’re not in the bible. “God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs.” But, the bible apparently says plenty about being gay because Carl gave us this profound thought on homosexuality “Gays being gay is wrong.” Aside from that sentence being some kind of retarded logic puzzle, it leads me to believe that if someone could prove there were gay dinosaurs, Carl’s head might explode.

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: I can¹t say for certain but I¹m pretty sure Jesus frowns upon beating your child. In 1997, Everett and his wife Linda were charged with abusing their two children, Shawna and Carl IV. The chargers were later dropped, but the Judge ordered the kids to live with their grandmother for fear of their safety.

5. EVANDER HOLYFIELD

HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIS JESUS: According to him, jesus is quite a boxing fan, and actively participates in the outcome of each of his matches, meaning Jesus is basically slightly less corrupt than Don King. “Well, you know, I’m led by the Holy Spirit, so whatever I do, I know I will have enough to win.” I guess except for the 9 fights that he lost, where apparently the holy spirit was either busy, or had money on the other guy.

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: Remember when jesus didn’t have enough loaves and fishes for everyone, yet somehow fed the entire crowd? Well, imagine if jesus had 100 million fishes, and all he had to pay his ex-wife and child was 3,000 fishes a month, I’m guessing he’d have no problems making his payments. Evander on the other hand skips out on child support, and had to be sued by his ex. Not to mention, Evander thinks he “probably has nine children out of wedlock.” Look, jesus understands your weiner’s urges, he’s the one who made your weiner, but if you’ve banged so many chicks that you can¹t say for certain how many kids you have, you’re probably pissing jesus off.

4. ANDY PETTITTE

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: In his sports metaphorically-titled book, Strike Zone: Targeting a Life of Intregrity and Purity, Andy Pettitte had this to say about how he wants to live his life for the Lord, “As a Christian I also have one goal. I want to fulfill God’s purpose for my life. I constantly ask myself “What does God want me to do?” and “Where does He want me to go?”
WHY JESUS HATES HIM: Apparently God wants him to do steroids. And he wants him to go to the congress and lie about it. After getting called out by Brian McNamee for taking H.G.H., Pettitte needed to read Romans 13:1-5, a passage in the Bible that says you shouldn’t lie to the civil government. Did he really need to find that line to be sure about lying? I guess Pettitte initially thought the explicit “Thou shalt not lie” commandment actually meant “Thou shalt not lie…unless you’re talking to someone who was elected to office. Then you can lie your ass off. Amen.”

3. JEFF GORDON

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: As if praying each night and reading the Bible before each race wasn’t enough to please the Son of God, Jeff tapes a handwritten bit of scripture onto his steering wheel that he reads during caution flags and pit stops. It serves as a reminder that Jesus is his co-pilot as he takes left turn after left turn after left turn.

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: While he was married to his first wife, Jeff apparently took a right turn…into another woman’s vagina. During their messy divorce, his now ex-wife claimed he had a girlfriend who would stay with him on race weekends. And then the girlfriend posed nude for Hugh Hefner and talked about making the beast with two backs with NASCAR’s most eligible non-bachelor. And it looks like Jesus is the only person who actually reads the articles in Playboy because he hasn’t won a Winston Cup Championship since.

2. CURT SCHILLING

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: According to Schilling, not only does god hate the Yankees, but apparently God has a nasty split finger fastball and realizes that he needs to throw a lot of first pitch strikes to the 3-4 hitters in the line up, if he’s going to be effective. After the bloody sock game in the Red Sox improbably ALCS comeback Schilling said: I tried to go out and do it myself in Game 1, and you saw what happened. Tonight was God’s work on the mound. . . . God did something amazing.” I’m pretty sure if you told God that he¹d say “Mmm, I think creating the universe was probably a little more amazing then giving up one run over seven innings to a demoralized Yankee team.”

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: Jesus was never about throwing anyone under the chariot. Schilling was publicly criticized by Phillies teammates Mitch Williams, Larry Andersen, and Danny Jackson for his conduct during the 1993 World Series. Whenever closer Mitch Williams was on the mound, CBS television cameras caught Schilling in the dugout hiding his face with a towel. Jesus knew someone was going to betray him, but did he toss that dude under the bus? No. Not only that but jesus was all about being humble, and if the internet existed then, he wouldn’t have started a blog where he incessantly talks about the great things he does because, Jesus realizes, silence is golden.

1. DEION SANDERS

HOW MUCH HE LOVES JESUS: Why wouldn’t you love Jesus a whole bunch when he provides you with such awesome discounts on car repairs! While on trial for not paying a mechanic’s bill in full, this came out: The owner of the repair shop said Sanders wanted to pay only $1,500 of the $4,265.57 bill, saying that Jesus had informed him that was all he needed to pay. Deion pulled up to the owner and said “Praise Jesus … I follow what in my heart I’m told to pay.”

WHY JESUS HATES HIM: Maybe Jesus could look past Deion’s cheating on his wife and his drug abuse, seeing as how Deion admitted to that and apologized, then wrote a book about. But awkwardly forcing the word “priiiiime tiiiime” into sentences where it has no place, has to really annoy the shit out of Jesus.