John Rambo

The new Rambo trailer raises a few questions:


1) Do people still remember Rambo? It's been, what, almost 20 years since the last one? At least Terminator was somewhat fresh in people's minds when Terminator 3 came out. Then again, maybe it fresh enough that it made Terminator 3 seem all that more stale.

2) Rocky VI = Rocky Balboa. Rambo 4= John Rambo. Indiana Jones 4 = Desperate Money Grab. (That's his Native American name)

3) Is it just me or is it getting more desperate in here?

4) Next step -- run for Governor of Pennsylvania. You laugh now, but hop in your time machine, turn the dial to 1995 and make the same comment about Arnold Schwarzenegger, but substitute Pennsylvania with California and duck and cover from the laughter. Think about -- Stallone's entire campaign could be just that scene from Rocky (I, II, III.. ah hell all of them) where he runs up the steps and looks out over the city and puts his arms up in the air triumphantly. Think of the campaign slogans -- 'I will break you' and 'I was wondering if you would vote for me' and 'Ugguoooahhh!'. Oh yeah, sure, not a chance your thinking, but remember this -- Schwarzenegger did the same thing and he's in charge of the sixth largest economy in the world.

Oh, while you're back in 1995, could you tell the 20 year-old me to stock up on Rogaine? Thanks. And if it's not too much trouble, all the World Series and Superbowl champions for the next 12 years. Cheers.

4) No, really, what is that smell? It smells like desperation mixed with nervous sweat and a career slowly dying.

5) With the current state of US foreign affairs, I'm glad the producers decided to be topical and have Rambo kill everybody with his bare hands in... Burma? Isn't that called Myanmar now? Why not drop in back into Afghanistan as he did in Rambo 3? I read somewhere that they've been having some spot of trouble recently. Or, why not Iran? North Korea? Venezuela? Or just pull out the blocks and go all kick-ass, full-on jingoistic patriotic Regan-era style and drop him into Iraq? 'Quagmire? I was made for quagmires...' Dial it back to 2003, and it's the countdown to the Iraqi invasion. President Bush (played by Sam Shepard) is unsure about the military move, as he knows it was based on faulty information. Suddenly the red phone rings. He looks at it with surprise -- Regan had that phone installed and it has never run before. Hands trembling, he picks it up.
'Don't worry about it,' a deep voice drawls. 'I can get the job done'. Shadowy figure on the other line -- pull back and it's John Rambo! He invades Iraq, kills Hussein and his sons, knocks down that statue of Hussein, discovers WMDs, finds Osama Bin Laden hiding in Hussein's pantry, kills him with a licorice whip, settles the centuries long dispute between Shia and Sunnis by killing all of them with his bow and arrow.
Now that's a summer blockbuster!

6) No, seriously, what is that smell?